Advice For Avery

SI.com runs a weekly (maybe bi-weekly, I'm not sure) piece where they ask some professional sports guys about things happening in pop culture. And in this edition they posed the question "Sean Avery should..." and had the athletes finish the question. Let's find out what they had to say. This oughta be good.

Question: Sean Avery should...

Danny Granger, Indiana Pacers: Not let other people get to him.
Le'Ron McClain, Baltimore Ravens: Realize when she's gone, she's gone.
Travis Outlaw, Portland Trailblazers: Be himself and say what he wants to say.
Antonio Bryant, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Realize he wasn't the first guy she was with.

Solid advice guys, well except from Travis Outlaw that is. I don't know if Outlaw realizes it or not, but Avery has been being himself all this time and that's the problem. Because being himself means being an obnoxious, loud mouth douche. In fact, being himself is the exact opposite of what Sean Avery needs to do.

Who's On Santa's Naughty List?

Ho Ho Ho! Hello again Power Players! Your old friend Kris Kringle here. Just checking in for the second part of my Who's Been Nice/Naughty feature where this time around I give you the inside info on who's been naughty.

Some might even say that I'm being naughty right now. Writing on a blog while flying over the Atlantic Ocean! Having just delivered all the presents to good little European boys and girls. Maybe even some future NHLers for Don Cherry to ridicule for their lack of grit!

A little known fact is that my sleigh just had cruise control installed this summer. Along with a satellite radio. XM of course so I can listen to NHL games. So while the technology (reindeers) do all the work, I can kick back with my laptop. Plus it'll be a little while until I reach Iceland so I've got some time to kill.

So what are we waiting for? Let's find out who in the hockey world has been naughty. We all know Ken Beckett, the creator and writer of The Power Play, has been naughty this year. That's what happens when you run an illegal puppy racing league out of your basement.

Barry Melrose
Barry has been on my naughty list for years now. Santa isn't a big fan of mullets you see. What really did him in this year were those comments about never wanting Tampa Bay to win another game. They're already awful enough Barry, you didn't need you to rub it in. And poor young, impressionable Steven Stamkos. Your comments about him not being NHL ready really hurt him. In fact, on his Christmas list this year he asked for your approval and the skills to become NHL ready. How am I supposed to deliver that?

Sean Avery and the Dallas Stars
This one's a no brainer. Sean's sloppy seconds comments were disgusting and Santa doesn't approve. The only sloppy seconds I like are when you dip your cookies into milk and then your second bite of the cookie is all soggy. Ho Ho Ho! Now Dallas, when you signed Avery in the summer to that big contract you knew what you were getting yourselves into. And when you abandoned him and booted him off your team it was a cowardly move. That reminds me of when Rudolph first started out and he was ashamed of his red nose and all he wanted was some courage. Wait, am I mixing up the story of Rudolph and the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz? I think somebody might have spiked some of the milk I drank in Europe. I bet it happened in Ireland. They're always pulling drunken pranks like that.

Washington Capitals
To be honest guys, I don't have you on my naughty list but somebody must. How else do you explain all those injuries to your team. Does anybody have any outstanding debts to the mob?

Alexander Semin
A few months ago, Alexander dared to speak out about the "talents" of golden boy Sidney Crosby. How dare he. Sid is the lord and saviour of the league and the most talented man to ever touch a hockey stick. Maybe Semin's comments actually explain all the injuries to the Caps. Karma sure is tough.

Joe Sakic
Yes the Colorado Avalanche veteran is on the naughty list. And I don't use the term "veteran" loosely as Joe is the same age as me! Ho Ho Ho! Sakic's been naughty by not resting and trying to recover from his serious back surgery. He even went so far as to clear out his driveway when it snowed. Well that backfired. While trying to clear out a clog he broke three fingers and will miss even more time. Joe, maybe for Christmas I'll get you a professional who can do those sorts of things for you. Heck, you wouldn't even need a professional. I'm sure you could find a neighbourhood kid who would do it for ten dollars. Or maybe even for some Joe Sakic autographed hockey sticks. Actually, considering how expensive hockey sticks are these days, you had better just give him the ten bucks.

Well that's it for me. There of course have been a lot of other very naughty guys in hockey this year (I'm keeping my eye on you Wayne Gretzky, you know why) but duty calls and all the little children of Iceland need their gifts. Plus I think I saw Dancer and Prancer socializing instead of driving the sleigh. It looks like Santa's going to have to lay down the law.

Merry Christmas to you and yours! And Season's Greetings to everyone who celebrates non-Santa/Christmas related holidays! Ho Ho Ho!

Six Games For Avery

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has just handed down a six suspension to Sean Avery for his inappropriate sloppy seconds comments.

The disciplinairy action is retroactive to Tuesday, which means that Avery only has four more games to serve.

"Mr. Avery has expressed remorse for his recent comments and has sought a professional anger management evaluation," NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said in a league-issued statement. "I will require that he follow through with that process as a condition of his returning to the ice and that he complies with any and all recommendations."

One of those "recommendations" is that Avery seek professional anger-management evaluation and, if necessary, structured counseling in light of his pattern of behavior. Ah, so that was what Brett Hull was talking about when he suggested Avery needs medical help.

Avery will not be eligible to play again for the Stars until Dec. 16, when Dallas hosts the Phoenix Coyotes. Whether the Stars allow him back on the team or not remains the real question as pretty much everybody in Dallas has said that he's not welcome back.

Doesn't six games seem like an arbitrary number. How did they decide six? Back in 1997, Chris Simon received a three game suspension for some alleged racist comments he made on the ice towards Mike Grier. So maybe they're just doubling that. Either way, I'm glad this situation is behind us and over with. Because if I had to type "sloppy seconds" one more time, I was going to lose it. Wait, I just typed it again. Stupid phrase! You'll rue this day I tell ya! *shakes fist at the sky*

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And Now We Play The Waiting Game

Commissioner Gary Bettman has finished meeting with Sean Avery, and now we play the waiting game. As Homer Simpson once famously said "Oooh...The waiting game sucks. Let's play hungry hungry hippos!"

Avery met with Bettman, NHL Deputy Commissioner Bill Daly, Senior Executive Vice President Colin Campbell, his agent Pat Morris, Stars co-general manager Brett Hull and a representative of the NHL Players' Association at noon on Thursday, where it was discussed what would be the appropriate course of action for Avery's sloppy seconds comments.

Hull said to the media after the meeting that he expects an announcement to be made late Thursday or sometime early Friday morning.

Interestingly enough, even before a punishment is handed down to Avery, the Dallas Stars appear to have already made up their mind. As of Thursday morning there was no mention of Sean Avery on the team's roster on their web site, though he was listed in the stats leaders category.

When Sportsnet.ca contacted the Stars PR department about the Avery omission, a representative said it was a "technology issue."

You know you're in trouble when you've been deleted from the interwebs. They'll put anything on here. I'm a great example of that.

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Avery Needs Medical Help?

The Sloppy Seconds Scandal continues as everybody continues to weigh in on the matter. That includes co-general manager of the Dallas Stars Brett Hull, who made an appearance on Toronto sports radio station the Fan 590 on Wednesday to talk about Avery's antics.

In an effort to make sense of it all, Hull went so far as to suggest that Avery may need medical help saying, "I think there's gotta be some definite medical people look into the situation, and find out what can be done to curtail this kind of act."

Medical help? Is there a drug problem, or some other sort of issue that we don't know about? Because last time I checked, they don't make medication to cure being an obnoxious, egotistical loud mouth. If they did, I definitely would have been prescribed it years ago.

It is a little known fact that Avery suffers from being bi-polar. Back in September during Stars' training camp, Sean agreed to an interview with TSN. Ultimately, however, he decided he didn't want to do it. "I'm bipolar, man," Avery said, walking away from the network's rolling camera. Though can you blame this and his other incidents on being bi-polar?

On Wednesday, Avery released an apology through his publicist which is pretty weak. He was able to russle up some cameras for his staged, awkward sloppy second comments. Why couldn't he do the same for his apology? Here's what Avery (his publicist) had to say...

"I would like to sincerely apologize for my off-color remarks to the press yesterday from Calgary.

"I should not have made those comments and I recognize that they were inappropriate. It was a bad attempt to build excitement for the game, but I am now acutely aware of how hurtful my actions were. I caused unnecessary embarrassment to my peers as well as people I have been close with in the past.

"I apologize for offending the great fans of the NHL, the commissioner, my teammates, my coaching staff and the Dallas Stars management and ownership. As many of you know, I like to mix it up on and off the ice from time to time, but understand that this time I took it too far."

Hey here's an idea. How about apologizing to Elisha Cuthbert. You know, the person who the sloppy seconds comments probably hurt the most. It's pretty clear that Avery just doesn't get it by leaving her out of his statement.

Hull will accompany Avery when he is called into Principal Bettman's office Thursday morning at 10:30am et. A decision on exactly how long Avery will be suspended for is expected to be announced by around noon.


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Sloppy Seconds Scandal: What Everyone Is Saying

Sean Avery's sloppy seconds comments about Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf dating his ex-girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert were undoubtedly offensive, obnoxious, and vulgar. But the big question is do they warrant a suspension? Well it seems like everybody and their grandmother has an opinion on the matter. When I asked my grandma about it she just asked a lot of questions like, "Who's Sean Avery?" and "What's sloppy seconds?" Boy, was that an embarassing conversation.

From Avery's teammates, to fellow NHLers and hockey insiders, here is what some are saying about the sloppy seconds scandal...

Dion Phaneuf, the man at the heart of the scandal: My thoughts were that it was a very disrespectful comment and the league took action and I definitely agree with the way they took action today.

Dallas Stars owner Tom Hicks: Had the league not have suspended him, the Dallas Stars would have. This organization will not tolerate such behaviour, especially from a member of our hockey team. We hold our team to a higher standard and will continue to do so.

Hockey Insider Bob McKenzie: ...there has been a long litany of things that he hasn't been punished for. He flipped the bird to a cameraman in New York, had verbal exchanges with Darcy Tucker as well as the allegations of what he may or may not have said about Jason Blake. There have been a number of things he hasn't gotten in trouble for and now that he has said this and crossed the line, the hammer has come down.

Stars co-general manager Brett Hull: More than anything, he's let his teammates down. That's the worst part of it. It's basically a fundamental — you don't embarrass the team and you carry yourself with class and good character. I've told him before, there's more to the game than just lacing up the skates. There are things you have to be accountable for.

Former NHL head coach John Tortorella: The league stepped up here and I think they did the right thing. Enough is enough. He's embarrassed himself, he's embarrassed the organization, he's embarrassed the league and he's embarrassed his teammates, who have to look out for him. Send him home. He doesn't belong in the league.

Calgary Flames winger and Avery's former teammate Craig Conroy: He made stupid comments and it bit him. I think he probably thought it was funny and the league didn't think it was funny, the Dallas Stars didn't think it was funny and nobody thought it was funny. I thought he might say something on the ice, which is fine. It happens out there, if he says it to Dion or whoever, but to say it to the media, that's uncalled for.

Retired NHL tough guy and ESPN Hockey Analyst Matthew Barnaby: As a former player, I don't agree with the suspension. Trust me, I said a lot of nasty things to a lot of different players but everything stayed on the ice. Bringing it out in the media is classless and stupid. I've played in that organization and it is a class organization. I think he's played his last game as a Dallas Star.

Dallas Stars goalie Marty Turco: Unfortunately, you don't know what the right words are when ignorant comments are made, such as that this morning. For us, the ability to focus maybe becomes more poignant right now, to bottle things up and play some solid hockey... We're not gonna ignore what happened today, we're not going to pretend like these things don't happen or face up to it.

Newsweek: You might say that Sean Avery is the human equivalent of jock itch.

Avery's Antics Earn Him Indefinite Suspension

Everybody's favourite loud mouth, Sean Avery, has been suspended by the NHL indefinitely and will not be playing in tonight's much anticipated match up against the "boring" Jarome Iginla and his Calgary Flames.

Avery is being suspended for disparaging remarks he made this morning in reference to Calgary player Dion Phaneuf and Phaneuf's girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert, who previously had a relationship with Avery.

"I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada," Avery said on camera this morning in Calgary. "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."

Avery will have a hearing with NHL brass to discuss the suspension, but no specific date and time has been set. Perhaps when he's done being the crazy ex-boyfriend obsessing over Elisha Cuthbert and driving by her house late at night.

Now with video update!
In case just reading his obnoxious statement wasn't enough, here's the video of Avery spouting off...

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Sean Avery: The Movie

Today, New Line Cinema announced that it will be turning Dallas Stars goon Sean Avery's experiences as a Vogue fashion intern this summer into a romantic comedy. Interestingly enough, not many romantic comedies have the lead male as a repulsive knuckledragging moron.

When asked about it by The Hollywood Reporter, Avery said “I was always trying to be the best-dressed kid in school. I think it’s great to be into something that you care about, but I’m still an athlete who likes to beat the crap out of people"

You know, I always thought there was a movie about Sean Avery that was already out. Does anyone else remember The Jerk?

Be sure to check out Puck Daddy who have put a together a great post with suggestions for who should play Avery. I like either Dane Cook becase they're both giant douchebags, or Will Smith. But that just has more to do with the fact that I'll watch Will Smith in anything. He's that good.



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